Why can't I assert myself?

I've done three assertiveness courses in recent years and I know in theory how assertiveness works. So why can't I do it? Why do I spend my time agreeing to things I don't want to do, not asking for what I want and being treated like dirt.

I've spent a year and a half in my job and I don't have holiday pay or a contract. I know that's illegal and just plain mean but I can't bring myself to ask about it. I tell myself I'm leaving soon so it won't matter but after a year and a half I'm still there. I live in terror of upsetting people, rocking the boat etc etc.

It's the whole childhood bullying thing coming back to haunt me - if I upset them they'll reject me and make my life not worth living. That's what goes on in my head every time I think about being assertive.

Minor ailments plague my life.

Minor ailments are the bane of my life. Flu has kept me housebound for two weeks and I'm still feeling its after effects of fatigue and low mood. My body feels floppy and I've no energy. I'm only working one day a week so most days there's no incentive to get up and move around. Time passes by in a guilty fog of daytime naps and aimless web surfing.

I wish there was someone in my life who could help. A kind of mentor who'd encourage and support me to challenge myself. Someone who'd get concerned if I was in bed all day and coax me out of the house. I do too much on my own and that's how it's always been. I can count the times I've gone shopping with another woman on one hand. Yes I have parents but they don't seem to care what I do - they don't even know what degree I did. I wish I was better at connecting with other people.

Getting rid of denial

I've been doing psychotherapy for three years and it's been a devastating experience. It's stripped away all the denial about my situation and made me examine some harsh realities. Denial's held me together for a long time and without it I just don't seem to function.

Denial meant that for years I could live in a bedsit with no friends or contact with anyone except my parents and still manage to get up every day and temp for the minimum wage. Without it I just seem to be falling apart. I haven't worked properly for two years and my mood is desolate.

Psychotherapy's made me see reality and see how bad things have been. It's brought long repressed memories to the front of my mind. My life before depression for example - a time when I had friends, went to gigs and festivals, did a degree, cared what I wore and mostly knew who I was. I'd felt I had to repress those memories, forget who I'd been so I could get on with my new bleak life.

Slowly things are improving, last year I made my first female friend since 1993, but the pace of change is gradual and I'm getting frustrated.

Sleeping instead of running

Running has been a great way of managing my depression. It shakes the bad feelings out of me and leaves me feeling revived. It's a classic middle aged activity, not something I would have attempted as a young person. I know it works because I've had flu this week and that's meant no running and a terrible low mood.

I feel sick and I can't get out of bed. All I want to do is sleep. It's nice being in bed, having the duvet around me feels like being cuddled. Sleeping stops the 'chatter' in my brain and blocks out my problems. I want to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Excruciating interview

I went to my first interview in two years today. It started off well but then I got hit by panic and started mumbling my answers in an inarticulate fashion and everything degenerated from there. I also fluffed a very simple IT test due to being in a heightened state of anxiety and blank mindedness.

So now I'm gloomy and pondering what to do next. Claiming benefits is tricky because I'm cohabiting. I might go back to my habit of throwing myself into any old temp job and tolerating it until the depression and anxiety build up and I resign.

Forcing myself to listen to music

Joy is a big motivator and I don't experience enough of it. Recently I've been trying to think of the kinds of things I'd be doing if I wasn't depressed and forcing myself to do them. Listening to music is one of those things.

I haven't listened to music much since 1993 but, after two years of psychotherapy, anti Ds, exercise, meditation, healthy eating and general squeaky clean living, my depression's receded just enough that I can enjoy it again. I've even gone as far as compiling a list of favourite tracks in Spottify, next on the list is to download some music onto my mobile - a task that's been three months in the planning.

The problem is I feel guilty doing anything unproductive and most enjoyable activities fall into this category. One way round this is to do two pleasant activities at the same time e.g. knitting whilst listening to music. That cuts down on the amount of time 'wasted' on pleasurable activities.